So, here is the fact. Recently, I attended a walk-in interview, why, because I needed an upgrade in my career, and in my salary of course. But, in this process, I realized that the selection process in the walk-in interviews is as banal and pointless as the questions asked in them. Looks like, some companies prefer the age-old, primitive methods and questions much like we prefer those ‘dadi k nuskes’ for fever or chicken pox.
Firstly, walk-in interviews generally happen on weekends and experience a horde of job-seeking candidates who can be categorized based on their body language and expressions. Some of them resemble the first bench students who pretend know everything; excited and prepared to answer any question popped to them. Some are excited like the kindergarten kids for getting a ‘Call Letter’. Some of them are so nervous that they prefer to sit or loiter around the washrooms and constantly memorize from the text books to the extent that their poor brains might explode any moment. Some of them are so frustrated of getting rejected from every interview that they are least bothered/interested about the happenings and outcome of the interview process. Some come to spend the weekend with friends as ‘there is nothing much to do’. So, basically, out of 100% only a few percent of candidates are the sincere job-seekers.
The interviewers are also irritated for spending a precious weekend scrutinizing so many candidates so that few ‘lucky’ ones get a job. How can a brain, devoid of rest and weekend party and alcohol, dig out some sensible questions for the entire herd? Thus, they too have some common insensible questions, as a revenge for spoiling their weekend, that somehow determine the fate of these candidates. If you ask me, it’s not their fault actually that the candidates fail to impress them by their doltish answers; the questions are too outdated to have a sensible answer.
Having waited like the chicken in the flock for two long hours, I finally got my turn to face the equally frustrated interviewers. I remembered the etiquettes I was taught in kindergarten and statements like ‘May I come in?’, ‘Thank you for having me’, [I will sit] ‘After you’, etc. started. The initial technical questions went well, and I constantly thought to myself, ‘Please spare me the cliched questions’, when the interviewer stared at me like a deadpan for few seconds and blurted these questions.
“Tell me about yourself?”. (Let me think! I have already handed over the information that you should know. Other than that, I like beer, cannabis and sex. Will that suffice?).”I am an experienced professional having…”
“So, where do you see yourself in five years from now?”. (Say where? 5 years? I don’t know in which restaurant I see myself in for lunch right after this interview and you want to me step in a utopian world and travel 5 years ahead of time). “As a satisfied individual, holding a mid-management level position, probably conducting interviews as well”.
“Why did you choose our company?” (Duh! I am looking for a job and you just posted a vacancy. A good opportunity, you see! Or you wanted to hear that it is my dream to work with your company, you silly fellow!). “Well reputed, development prospects etc.”
“How well do you think you fit into this company/role?” (Lady, I’m hungry and right now I fit best in front of a large pizza and coke. Just tell me what you want to hear, and I will repeat your words). “I’m helpful, confident, dot, dot, dot..”.
“Do you enjoy working in a team? How good are you a team player? Tell with examples” ([Game of thrones music behind] The lone wolf dies but the pack survives). “I enjoy working with a team but can also perform as an individual contributor because…”.
“Are you willing to travel occasionally?”. (So, you see, I am greedy and obsessed about getting my passport stamped as all the pages are still empty and I am already nearing 30. So where are you sending me? UK? US?). “Yes, I am open to travel and have a valid passport”.
“Is your expected salary negotiable?”. (Of course not! How could you even think such a barmy thing? I have not wasted my entire day sitting here and answering your silly questions just to let you lower my wage). “My salary is negotiable considering other benefits provided by your company”.
And many more. Last but not the least, then came the bumper question.
“Why should we hire you?”. (Like really? You really want me to give an answer to this preposterous question. Isn’t it obvious that I need a job to pay my bills and rent? Honestly, I don’t intend to die starving, so I need money for food. Oh! And, my grand-mom used to tell that I have sterling stars and am lucky (Subh) for others. So, if you want to have more business on your table, just trust my grand-mom and hire me). “Your company provides many services that I have had experience with, in a variety of capacities. [quoted few examples here]. I believe that my familiarity with the industry would make me a good fit for this position”.
Till this date, I presume they probably heard the honest, loud noises in my head that made them hand me the offer letter. Well, I guess sometimes age-old practices and dadi k nuskes do bring colors of joy in other’s life.
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